Hi and assalamualaikum. Been quite awhile since I last updated my blog, huh? Hew hew~ Finally, I got my laptop back after been 'hospitalized' for two weeks. Well, for this entry, I do have several ideas on what to write about but still unsure on which one to write it out first.
So, here I go with hateful feelings I used to have. Back then when I'm in my high school. If I were given a chance to delete a memory, I would love to delete my high school memory. I wish to go back to school and meet new people. I don't know why I feel this way. I've been always feel that people keep mocking me. They make fun of me for everything I did. They talked behind my back. I knew it. I knew every bad thing they did behind me. But still, there are few person who're still treat me nicely. And thanks to them for accompanying me going through all of those bulls**t. HAHA! But I guess, they're one of the reasons why I want to success so hard. Thanks to them for giving me a hard time. I guess, my high school was a major turn point in my life. Still, I don't know the reason why they hated me so much. I still have no clue. What a sad life I had back then. It was so hard to keep on going back then. Scrolling through those old school pictures and reading through the comments do make my heart ache. How strong I might look on other's eye; I never knew. I might seem strong, but I am week inside. Thinking of all this do bring down my spirit.. But still, thanks to the hard time, I can now face and handle people like them. :)
Grandmother. My beloved Nenek of the century. Sarah Binti Marjo. May Allah places you among the mukmin. I love you. I think I'll cry again tonight. Because of you. Because of what I did to you. You love me like your daughter but I'm too careless in taking care of you. I am sorry for not be able to be with you during your hard time. I am a useless granddaughter you ever had. Nenek, I want to do those last process of you, but they just don't let me do it. Life is so hard, Nenek. I wish to spend my time with you again but I just can't. You are my second mother. They said I am spoiling you too much. They said you're spoiling me too much too. I still can't accept the fact that you're gone. Last eid, I do visit you. But I just can't stand looking at your 'house' for too long. I am sorry.It's not like I don't want to visit you, it's just I know I'll cry. Even now, I am crying silently so people won't ask me why. Can I just turn back the time and spent my days with you? :( I miss the old days where I sit besides you while massaging your leg and tell you stories about what happened with my life. I miss the way you tease me on what guy I should married. I wish you'd be there on my wedding. I don't want to torture you but I can't help it. To cry whenever I'm thinking bout my wrongdoings toward you. I am so sorry Nenek. Though I know it change nothing, I am so sorry. The moment I first heard bout your death from Dad at my workplace, I feel like fainting. I'm crying along the way to home without taking into care of what others might think. I don't care cause I love you. And only those whom I love can see me cry or be the reason why I'm crying. Nenek, Along loves you. :')
As I don't think I can stand to write without crying, I would love to make a conclusion. Learn the hard way give you the best experience. Thank you Dad for always giving me a hard time. Now I know why you did that to me. I am so sorry for blaming you without solid excuses back then. I am now realize how foolish and childish I was back then. Yeah, I might be young, but people won't know what I went through at this young age. In the end, I am so sorry if I hurt anyone. Do forgive me. Till then, Farewell~